Girl Code

In the midst of the latest Trump controversy author Kelly Oxford asked followers to tweet her their first sexual assaults. Oxford was inundated with tweets from women all over the world describing their first occurrences, I say "first" because we all know it's never just one.  Some tweets were shocking, horrific, saddening and some surprised me, I would never had thought an inappropriate ass grab would be considered sexual assault.  As I read on I quickly realized how narrow minded and singular my thoughts on what constitutes sexual assault had been. So...I sat there and thought of what my first sexual assault may have been, it took awhile but then it came to me.  I was 14, freshman in a new high school trying establish myself in this massively big school with some girlfriends.  I remember one afternoon me and a couple of my friends were walking home and decided to stop by a boy's house to "hang out".  For the life of me I don't even remember his name or what he looked like, that's how memorable he was apparently.  Before I knew it my friends had left me alone at this boy's house. I don't even think we were making out but I do remember him forcing my hand on his penis, dick, junk or whatever you want to call it.  I looked at him in shock, ripped my hand out of his, grabbed my backpack and said I had to go.  And then I left, walked the long way home trying figure out what the hell he was hoping would happen.

There has been a big push recently for us, as a society, to change the way boys/men view women and breaking down this idea that "locker room" banter and actions are okay.  As a mother of two boys and now a daughter I am on board with this....whole heartedly.  It is and will be hammered into my boys that they need to treat not just women but everyone with a high level of respect, kindness and love. That they are not entitled to ANYTHING and better tread lightly until given permission to move forward with whomever they are interacting with.  But in the same breath, what about teaching our girls a certain Girl Code?  Where were my friends?  Why did they leave me alone at this boy's house? I'm not mad at them because Lord knows I had probably done the same at some point.  But there in lies the problem, why wasn't I taught at a very young age to always have my friends' backs, to never leave them alone, to always stick up for them? I tell Costner and Loren all the time when we go to the park or a party that they have look out for one another, they have to be each other's buddy. Costner has taken it so to heart that he screamed to me across the BMX track the other day that "Loren has to poop!" Thanks Bud!

My goal, to teach Audie to be respectful and kind but also to be aware and strong in her convictions, to be a "good" friend even when it's unpopular to do so.  And I think this is a good conversation to have with my friends as well because Audie's brothers won't always be there to look out for her.  She will need a good, solid group of friends that abide by a certain Girl Code!

For the Love of Emily

Today my beautiful little girl is six months old, and as I sit at my desk reflecting on how amazing and chaotic the last six months have been I notice a card that has been sitting here for some time waiting to be sent.  It is a "thank you" card that I have been meaning to give to Emily for weeks and months since Audie was born.  Who is Emily and why haven't I sent the card to her?  For one, I have not written in the card yet, I'd say I haven't had the time with how hectic my life has been with three little ones but the truth is I haven't wanted to truly replay Audie's birth.  I haven't wanted to relive all of the raw emotions that go with that day six months ago and the weeks proceeding.  But Emily deserves a "thank you" she deserves more than that...if only I could show my immense gratitude for everything she has done for me and my family.

So, who is Emily? Emily is my husband's youngest sister.  She is the Aunt and Godmother to my children. She is my best friend, my sister, my therapist, my doula....my rock.  Emily is an unbelievable friend to so many, she is strong, caring, patient, pragmatic, loving, sensitive, to name a few qualities.  All of the qualities I love and admire in Justin can also be found in Emily.  Five years ago as I was preparing to give birth to Costner I turned to her and asked her to stay with me, to be there by my side as I brought the first light of my life into the world. And thank god she did because Costner did not make the easiest entry. But through it all she never let go of my hand, she helped me get to the other side. I think we could both say that Costner's birth brought us closer and not just because she saw more than she bargained for of me that day.  We had a bond...she saw her nephew brought into this world and she had a big hand in that success. Without question she has been by my side thru everything, two post delivery D&Cs, a frightening miscarriage, Loren's remarkably easy birth and then there was the arrival of Audie.

When I found out I was pregnant with Audie, Emily was three months pregnant, I remember having a conversation with her about as much as I wanted her to be there for my delivery I understood the complexities of that happening with her having a new baby.  But without giving a moment's pause she said of course she would be there..."we'll figure it out!" Fast forward to August 24th and there she was at 8am, coffee and breast pump in hand, ready to welcome my little baby into the world.  Emily knew I was uneasy about this birth, I didn't like that I was being forced into an induction.  She knew I felt that something was off, as if I knew this birth wasn't going to go as planned.  Instead of giving me false hope, she reassured me that I was a strong person and "we" would get thru it together.  And that we did...she never left my side. She cheered and cried with me as Audie entered the world and in those frightening minutes proceeding, as I laid there while my doctor and nurses tried desperately to stop me from bleeding out, she never left me.  I am tearing up just thinking of that moment.  Emily held my hand, locked eyes with me as if to say..."I've got you!" and did not let go until the double doors into the surgery room would not let her go any further.  The last thing I remember saying to her was "take care of my kids" and with tears in her eyes she said "I will!" I knew deep down I wasn't going to die, my mom wasn't going to let that happen but it was comforting to know that the most incredible woman I know would take care of my children. Emily is truly an amazing person, she pressed pause on her life for a week to take care of me. Making sure she was by my side when I woke up in the ICU to find that my husband and daughter were gone, driving me to Denver to see Audie and Justin and taking the time to walk me thru everything that had happen so I could try to understand.

To Emily:
Words can not express my eternal gratitude for who you are and what you have done for me.  Your ever constant love and support will never be lost on me.  All that I can offer you other than my heartfelt thank you is my pledge to you that you will always have my love and support and that Wren and future children will be forever loved, protected and cared for by me, Justin and the boys.

With Love,
Whitney

#momfail

Let me replay my morning...there I was pulling into the boys preschool a bit late to drop Costner off. Me in my "in between" clothes.  "In between" clothes are what I call not quite pajamas but not quite my outfit of the day...which mind you is usually work out clothes so the fact that I couldn't even get those on is a bit sad.  But hey...I did put a bra and some mascara on.  Costner was fully dressed, fed, hair combed, ready for the day and there was Loren still with his pjs on but he did have shoes on and was fed. Of course, my sweet Audie with a full diaper and 20 minutes out from needing a bottle.  But look I was just dropping Cost off quickly and then headed back home for coffee and the Today Show.  

As I pulled in I saw my friends and fellow preschool moms' cars sitting outside, I wondered "why are they so late?" I, at least had the whole 3 kid, husband out of town excuse.  I jumped out of the car and hustled Cost inside, his teacher greeted us and asked where Loren was. I sweetly reminded her that Loren doesn't go to school on Thursdays but kindly she replied "but I thought we were watching him while you attended the board meeting!"

CRAP!  I had completely forgot and was already 30 minutes late.  And let me add the boys go to a catholic preschool.  I had agreed to be on the board that meets twice a year and I couldn't even show up on time to one of the meetings.  I was given ample reminders, even as early as this past Tuesday but still I forgot. Which is completely unlike me, I always brag to my husband that "I have a mind like a steel trap." Well...apparently I do not.  icalendar Whitney....use icalendar for gosh sakes.

So...there I am rushing Loren inside...monster truck pjs, et al as Audie and I scurry downstairs to the meeting all the while I am telling myself to apologize profusely but for God sake Whitney do not say "God" when you do.  I walk thru the door and say "Oh my Gosh, I'm so sorry" and there in front of me sympathetic looks as Agnes, head of the preschool, explains I am a new mother of three kids. The looks wreak of "Oh...poor girl, she must be in over her head."  And maybe I am this stage in the game with Audie being 7 weeks old, feeding at 4am and then trying corral two rambunctious little boys throughout the following day. I am exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed so I will probably remain in my "in between" clothes for a bit longer just to make one part of my life a bit easier.

Bradshaw Party of Four? Bradshaw Party of Four?

Back in December Justin broached the subject of having baby #2, I looked at him like he was crazy.  Was he serious?  At the time we had a very active 10 month old who kept (still does) me oh-so busy, having another child wasn't even in my realm of thought.  I was thinking more of trying conceive a baby in the fall and therefor having a summer baby.  Costner would be two and half and in my mind a perfect age difference.  Justin had a different idea in mind, he would have preferred irish twins.  Me...not so much!  The thought of being pregnant again for nine months and subsequently pushing out a baby just didn't appeal to me.  I don't know if it was my desire to please my husband or my underlying desire to expand our family but the prospect of having another baby slowly crept into my mind over the next month.

In January I decided to go off birth control, give my body a month to back on track, start taking prenatal vitamins and come February try to get back on the baby train.  February flew by....with Justin and I both being out of town a good portion of the month concieving a baby was just not possible.  I looked to March for our month to really give baby making a try.  By the second week in March it donned on me that I had yet to get my "monthly bill"....I went to my bathroom a pulled out a pregnancy test thinking there is no way I could actually be pregnant.  As Costner took a bath I took the pregnancy test.  I looked at the test in shock....there was a solid cross.  This just can't be....there was a possible two days in the month of February that we could have conceived a baby.  Not believing in the result, I grabbed the second pregnancy test out of the medicine cabinet and took that one.   Same result!  Holy Cow!!  I called Justin and broke the news.  He was driving home from Denver with his brother so his response was muted so to not reveal what was going on but the subsequent text messages were full of bewilderment and excitement.  When he got home I ran out to the grocery store to get the more definitive pregnancy test that would say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" actually I bought two.  My definitive answer on both was "pregnant".  I looked at Justin with amazement in my eyes.  I guess we were heading for another adventure yet again.

The next day, I spoke to my sister-in-law, friend, confidant Emily who coincidently is my OBGYN's medical assistant, Emily asked me if I was excited, shocked, nervous, uneasy, etc? My answer was "shocked and uneasy".  Her response was one of understanding.  Understanding that my shock and uneasiness was not because I did not want another child but more so that Costner was no longer going to be the little person in my life...no longer my little baby.  That made me sad.  I love Costner so much and he is my amazing little man.  He may drive me nuts sometimes (especially when throws little fits) but as quickly as he makes me want to pull my hair out, he can make my heart melt.  Those fits secretly make me want to laugh but I would never let him see that.  And I'm not going to lie...I get overwhelmed with just one child at times I can't imagine what two children are going to do to me.  Can I really handle a baby and a toddler?  That frightens me.  There is going to be a new treasure trove of situations and challenges.  And what if the next baby is not as good as Costner was/is? But I think...was I really ready for what came with Costner?  Nope!  You learn as you go and that is how this next chapter in my life is going to go.  I am excited but nervous...of course.

I am 12 weeks and all seems to be going well.  Thank goodness there was no morning sickness but I have been very tired and hungry.  When I say hungry...I mean starving! And the line of thought that you show sooner with your second is completely true.  I look like I am 20 weeks pregnant.  Oh well...it is what it is.

Costner is doing great!  He got into a fight with the sidewalk the other day which left him pretty scratched up but mom's constant ointment applications helped a lot.  He's been having a tough with bedtime lately, the other night being the worst.  Monday morning he woke early, screaming, pulling on his ear and I worried he may have an ear infection.  Seeing that we were leaving on vacation this week I decided to take Costner in to get him checked out.  While there I asked our nurse if she would measure him curious to see how tall he was and much to my surprise Dr. Engle said he had grown three inches in the past two and half months.  I was shocked.  Then she took a look at his ears and throat and both look great, Dr. Engle said he was probably going thru a growth spurt.  Was she serious, a growth spurt?  How much taller could this kid get?

Hi, I'm Costner and I am a walking fool!

I'm a multitasker!

My new chair that I think is pretty cool!

12 weeks...I'd just ate lunch so the belly was extra big. 

Where does the week go?

I am amazed how quickly the week goes by....before I know it is the weekend!  It is truly surprising how the days just melt away.  Costner's days go a little something like this; he wakes up 8am, eats some breakfast and plays, around 9am he's back down for nap #1 that could last anywhere from an hour to an hour and half.  Depending on the weather (and lately we have been lucky with some warm temperatures) we will get outside for a run, well Mom attempts to run while Costner cruises in the stroller.  Not a bad life!  Lunch time is around 12p and before we know it is already 1p and we are ready for nap #2.  Costner doesn't always take a two hour nap in the afternoon but I make him hang out in his room for two hours regardless of whether he is sleeping or not.  He needs the down time and let's be honest so do I.  So...back to the day...he is back up around 3p and from that point on he is up, practicing his walking skills, getting into everything, trying to put Mom's vitamins in the toilet, being just plain mischievous. The boys (Costner and Duke) eat around 5p, then it's bath time, jammie time, brush his two teeth, story time and FINALLY bedtime promptly at 7p.  Geez....I'm exhausted just writing that!  And that was a slow day...don't get me started on days that we have music class, play dates, etc.  Let us not forget that throughout the day I am Costner's shadow picking up the destruction leaves in his path.  It's funny, when I have something to get done I direct him towards the drawer of sandwich bags.  Have at it kid!  Pull all the baggies you want out, just give me a couple minutes to clean up after lunch.

One would think being a stay at home mom would afford me more time on my hands and much more freedom but with a one year old you really don't.  The first year and half of his life I am strapped to the house and nap times.  And while the majority of time I am ok with that, I have my moments where I feel boxed in.  Jealous at times that my husband has more freedom to get up and go but I am much better suited to be the stay at home parent then Justin.  Justin gets restless if he is sedentary for too long where I am much more of a home body and enjoy routine.  We are well suited in our roles for the time being and I have to remember that I have a willing husband to watch Costner whenever I want a "me" day or days.

"My first motorcycle"

"Mom...seriously...you're blinding me with that flash"

"that's right, I'm walking"

a naked moment with Duke

The Little Man is One!!

A couple months ago, on Justin's birthday, his mom wished him a happy birthday and proclaimed it was the happiest day of her life.  On February 15th I sat, enjoying a cup of coffee while the birthday boy napped and I thought about Andrea's statement...was that day 12 months prior the happiest day of my life?  It was not.  Does that make me a bad mom for admitting that? No, I don't think so.  In fact, it was the toughest day of my life but that being said every day after Costner's birth have been the happiest days of my life.  His laugh, his smile, his cry, those cute little buns....everything makes me happier than I ever thought imaginable.  Love before a baby is quantitative, you can measure it, it can change, it can disappear.  But the love you are enveloped with once you have a child is never quantitative...it is unconditional and all encompassing.  I am blessed that I am able to experience this type of love every single day with Costner.

Seeing that Costner is One I figured I would give an update of what he is doing:

- sleeping through the night like a rock star (barring any colds)

- naps twice a day usually an hour in the morning and two hours in afternoon

- loves the sippy cup with whole milk, green machine or water

- the quantity of what he eats increases and decreases depending on growth spurts

- he has plateaued at 22lbs but is 32 inches long

- still rocking 12-18 months clothes

- walking skills are improving day by day

- loves music class

- starting to understand when mama and papa ask him something

- not saying much, too much on the move

Here are a few shots from Cman's First Birthday Party.  It was a hungry caterpillar themed party, Costner enjoyed a night of family and close friends.  The oncoming cold did not seem to affect him that night.  

This is my lady friend Teagan

presents galore

"here mama...have some?"

bath time

and now it's bedtime!

Protection

A couple of weeks ago I read about a young mom who had to do the unthinkable to protect herself and her young son.  Home alone with her three month old son she heard two men trying to enter her home, she grabbed her shotgun, pistol and phone.  She called the police and informed dispatcher that two men were trying to enter her home and if they indeed broke in would it be okay if she shot them.  The dispatcher, of course, said that she could not tell this young mom that is was okay to shoot them but that she should do whatever she had to do to protect herself and her baby.  So...as the men broke thru her front door she raised her 9 gauge and shot the first man right in the chest killing him.  The second man, so frightened, ran from the scene and later turned himself into police.  This woman encountered every mom's worst nightmare and I wondered if I would do the same?  The answer is YES!

I am not saying that I am card holding member of the NRA but I would do anything to protect Costner.  My husband tends to be out of town a good amount which leaves me home alone with my lovable yellow lab and my son.  In the past I would freak myself out by watching Law & Order: SVU or 20/20 so much so that I would wrap a butcher knife in a dish towel and sleep with it on my bedside table.  Piece of mind because really how much good would a butcher knife do to an intruder?  Seeing that I was a bit paranoid and scared Justin purchased a hand gun for us while I was pregnant.  We went outside of town and practiced shooting, Costner was not too happy with sounds coming from outside the belly.  My brother-in-law asked me if I would really shoot someone and "What if I came by the house at 2am, would you shoot me?"  My response was "a...Alex, why are you coming to my house at 2am?" and "b...if you were coming to my house at 2am then why wouldn't you call me first?"  But the ultimate question is "would I shoot someone if they broke into my house?"  Yes!  If someone is coming into my house to cause harm to me or my child then hell yes I am going to do everything in my power to protect us.  The Second Amendment gives me the right to bear arms to protect my property and the most important property to me is my son.  I must say this...we live in a very safe community where most people have an open door policy and we have a Eagle County Sheriff living four doors down.  The odds of someone breaking into my house are probably slim but just in case we have some protection.

On a Costner side note, the little man is getting closer and closer to his first birthday.  He is so much fun!  He isn't walking yet though someone told me that the longer he takes to walk the better reader he will be.  I don't know if that is true but I'm going to go with it!  He is working on his top two teeth and thankfully it hasn't disrupted his sleep patterns too much.  Here are a few pictures of my trouble maker.

I am proud that I am a messy eater!

Papa is my jungle gym!

What? I'm not allowed to do this?

Buck-a-ley....take the ball!!

the adventures never end with a baby!!

Sometimes those adventures can be scary and sad but adventures nonetheless.  Last week the Bradshaw Family was stricken with a bad cold...Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, Papa and Costner.  How I did not get sick I am unsure but blessed that I have yet to contract this ugly cold.  Costner has had a small cold before but it was just a two day affair with a stuffy nose being the worst of it.  This time he was stricken with Croup....an ugly upper respiratory infection that left him hoarse, wheezing and with a barking cough.  My poor little man was miserable and Mama and Papa were saddened because we felt so helpless.  Nothing we seemed to do made him feel better and after three days of administering baby vapor rub and tylenol, we went to see Dr. Engle (our fabulous pediatrician).  I don't know how this woman does it but as soon as she walks into the room I feel instantly better.  I know my son is in good hands and she will take excellent care of him. We left her office with some medicine in hand and feeling like we were going to kick some croup butt.  Well...it seems as if we are doing just that.  Costner is already back to his mischievous ways as the pictures below will show.  Parenthood is never what you expect it to be and every day being a mom has made me a stronger person.

It's Ducati's lucky day!!

Holiday Traditions!!

When I was young Christmas was always a big deal.  My mom, a interior decorator, would deck out the house in all the holiday fare and my dad would drive down early in the morning to put together our Christmas gifts.  My parents, though separated and not always on each others good sides, put on a untied front for Christmas.  It was that happy moment where everything seemed perfect.  When my mother passed away and my grandparents (her parents) soon after her, Christmas became a three person event.  Every year my dad would haul out my mom's Christmas decorations and help me put them up in our new, smaller home....things were a little crapped after the decorations were out.  He made Thanksgiving dinner all over again on Christmas day, which I loved and three of us would celebrate Christmas relatively quietly.  In those years when it was just my brother, my dad and I, I longed for a big family Christmas celebration.

Becoming a Bradshaw afforded me the big Christmas celebration.  And the Bradshaws know how to do Christmas up right, including all the decorations, traditions, cheer and well on occasion drama.  What kind of family event would it be without a little bit of drama every once and awhile?  Right?  This year was Costner's First Christmas, I was so excited to start some wonderful traditions with him.   As we all know it is not just Christmas Eve and Christmas, there are parties and get-togethers for a week before and the week after.  Costner, Justin and I had something going on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  I try not to be one of those moms that keeps their child to a strict schedule and I knew with the holidays we were going to have to lenient with bedtimes.  But most moms will agree that schedules help contribute to a happier, well-rested baby and lets not talk about how much happier the moms are when their children are well-rested.  Keeping Costner up until 9pm the first night is okay...it doesn't seem to phase him but come the third night (Christmas) he's a fussy, overtired mess.  Which as we all know leads to a stressed, tired mom.  I'll be honest, by the middle of the day Sunday I was ready for Christmas to be over.  So much so that while Costner napped I de-Christmastized our house.  On Christmas day!!  My mother-in-law was shocked but I was done.  I was ready to have things get back to normal.

There in lies my personal dichotomy with Christmas.  Part of me wants the big family Christmas with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, etc. and part of me wants the quiet three person Christmas with the Christmas-Thanksgiving dinner.  As the years go on I am sure I will find a way to blend both of those desires into one of our own Justin, Costner and Whitney Christmas traditions.

The toy was for Ducati but not anymore!

Costner's First Bike!! 

Costner loves his cousin Allie

A series of photos that are sure to make you smile!!

Hello All!!

I wanted to show a series of photos I took of Costner that I hope will put a smile on your face, it sure did to mine.  Justin came home Sunday and it has been so wonderful having him home.  I can even tell in Costner's demeanor how excited he is to have his papa home.

Nap Training Update

This would be day number six of nap training and thank goodness it seems as if we are back on track.  Costner has been napping in the morning for the past few days for an hour on the dot!!  The second nap has been a bit more difficult to extend out but yesterday he slept for an hour and forty-five minutes.  Woohoo!!  I didn't know what to do with all the time.  I was expecting an hour...if that so I hurriedly did all things I needed to get done in an hour.  For forty-five minutes I was waiting for my little man to wake up any minute but he didn't.  Then today came and I was not holding my breath for the same hour and forty-five minutes...I was sure that yesterday was a fluke but it has been two hours people and Costner is still asleep.  Hallelujah!  Those first few days were so difficult, listening to him scream broke my heart each time but my pediatrician was right...it gets better.  And for all that crying I now have a well rested, happy little man who is keeping me and Ducati running all over the house.  We still don't have any teeth but I see them and feel their jagged little tops.  I think he is waiting for his Papa to come home (Sunday) before they pop out.

I'm Starving!!

Chillin!!

Mama has me in a bubble because it's so cold outside!!  40 and windy!!  Brrr!!

I'm trying to help Mama cook!!