Postpartum Friends

Something happened when Costner hit 3 months old, I started to feel alone.  Funny thing to say, right?  Around 3 months Costner started to be more expressive, interactive with me which was such a delight but he also became a little more self-reliant.  He started to entertain himself, take longer naps and his witching hour all but disappeared, Costner no longer needs Mom to constantly soothe him.  He became a relatively easy, happy and fun baby.  It does not take as much energy to care for him, time....yes!  He still encompasses much of my time but I don't feel as drained at the end of day.  I am a much more confidant mom now.  I know his signs, I know what makes him happy, when he is getting sleepy, when it is time to eat and what to do when, heaven forbid, he starts to wail.   As fullfilling as it is to spend my days with my little man, it can be a very solitary life.  The first three months of motherhood I spent most of my time just trying to figure it out and that took up most of my time but now I have a handle on it I am ready to get out and mingle with other people....women to be specific.

That is where the problem lies......as much as I wish my girlfriends and I had sat around and decided "Let's all try to get pregnant, so we could go thru motherhood together" that didn't happen.  Justin and I were not even trying to get pregnant, who knew I would be so fertile.  So here I am, the one of the first among my friends to have a child, looking for someone to go on a hike with or out to lunch.  Someone to have an adult conversation with on occasion.  When you have a baby your life inevitably changes, my day revolves around nap and food schedules.  Justin and I try to take Costner everywhere we go but late night dinners with friends (unless it's at our house) are fleeting.

I knew that some of my friendships would change when Costner was born and I thought many of them would drift apart.  I was right some did but surprisingly the majority of my friendships with my girlfriends (specifically my fellow book clubbers) have grown stronger.  They may not have children of their own (yet!) but they are so supportive, caring and understanding and most of all...they love Costner!  They want to be around him and here about what new shenanigans he is up to.  And I love all of my friends for that.

I am a lucky woman....I have a wonderful husband, adorable baby, fantastic home and great friends!

Costner and his Jet Bear

Connecting to my Mom and being a Mom!

A couple of weeks ago I was looking for an easy read, something light and breezy to read while feeding Costner.  I chose a Jane Green novel.  It started off great, describing the differing lives of the main characters and then I was smacked in the face with emotion.  One of the main characters had a reoccurrence of breast cancer, a type that only gave her a year to live.  Callie was struck with fear and sadness not that her time on earth was ending but that she was leaving her children, husband and family.  As I read this, I began to cry and I couldn't stop.  Thankfully Costner was napping so I could just sit on my couch and let the tears fall.  I wasn't crying for myself or the fact that the story reminded me of loosing my own mother but I was crying because now I understood how my mother must have felt in those final months.  Now, having a beautiful little boy and the overwhelming love I have for him, I understand how terrifying it must have been for my mother.  Knowing that she wouldn't be there to help navigate my brother and I through life, to see our milestones, comfort us through difficulties and to see her grandson born.  It's ironic that a book helped me connect with my mom on a much deeper level then I ever thought possible.  This book made me stop thinking about myself and what I missed out on but allowed me to truly feel blessed for the opportunity I have to experience every day with Costner and the joy of being his mom.  

On a side note, Costner is awesome!  He is like fine wine....he gets better with time!  He is such a happy little baby, doesn't fuss very often, goes down for naps perfectly, goes to bed without a fight and sleeps like a champ.  This boy loves to sleep.  I have to tell myself to not wake him because I am bored and want to hang out with him.  We are working on him sitting up.  He has rolled over a few times but not again, I think he did it just show me he can and now he's done with it. :)  Costner is determined to crawl, he lifts his butt in the air, puts his face down and scoots his way forward.  I've tried to show him how to use his arms but he'll have none of it.  He wants to do it his way....he'll learn. :)  I love my little man.  

Here are a few pictures.....

My Dearest Ducati

Dear Ducati,

A little over six years ago I entered into you and your Papa's lives and everyday since then you have brought a smile to my face.  When life has me down, you bring me one (or three) of your babies, sit down next to me and give me a big kiss.  You instinctively know when all need is some Dukey love and I love you for that.

Now, I know your life was uprooted four months ago when your little brother came home.  And I know it hasn't been easy for you.  That first week you held out hope that Costner was just visiting and would be going back to wherever he came from.  But much to your disappointment he is still here.  In the past months, your ear rubs are a short 30 seconds here and there, the walks have slowed and even your baths are only once a month.  Who is this kid?  Why is he taking up so much of Mama and Papa's time and attention?  What about me?  And please make him stop screaming, he is destroying whatever hearing I have left in these 10 year old ears!

Thank you for being such a wonderful dog!  Thank you for understanding that life is a little different now and that we all need to make some adjustments.  Thank you for not pulling on your leash when the three of us go for a walk.  Thank you for sitting next to Costner when he is crying and staying with him until he calms down.  It is very endearing and heart warming.  I know it doesn't seem like it right now but Costner is going to love you with all that he is soon enough.  The devoted love you show me and your Papa is what Costner will show you in the next couple of years.  I wouldn't be surprised if his first words are "Dukey".

Duke.....I want to promise you that I will love you forever.  I appreciate you and what you have brought to my life.....unconditional love and happiness!

Love,
Mama