For the Love of Emily

Today my beautiful little girl is six months old, and as I sit at my desk reflecting on how amazing and chaotic the last six months have been I notice a card that has been sitting here for some time waiting to be sent.  It is a "thank you" card that I have been meaning to give to Emily for weeks and months since Audie was born.  Who is Emily and why haven't I sent the card to her?  For one, I have not written in the card yet, I'd say I haven't had the time with how hectic my life has been with three little ones but the truth is I haven't wanted to truly replay Audie's birth.  I haven't wanted to relive all of the raw emotions that go with that day six months ago and the weeks proceeding.  But Emily deserves a "thank you" she deserves more than that...if only I could show my immense gratitude for everything she has done for me and my family.

So, who is Emily? Emily is my husband's youngest sister.  She is the Aunt and Godmother to my children. She is my best friend, my sister, my therapist, my doula....my rock.  Emily is an unbelievable friend to so many, she is strong, caring, patient, pragmatic, loving, sensitive, to name a few qualities.  All of the qualities I love and admire in Justin can also be found in Emily.  Five years ago as I was preparing to give birth to Costner I turned to her and asked her to stay with me, to be there by my side as I brought the first light of my life into the world. And thank god she did because Costner did not make the easiest entry. But through it all she never let go of my hand, she helped me get to the other side. I think we could both say that Costner's birth brought us closer and not just because she saw more than she bargained for of me that day.  We had a bond...she saw her nephew brought into this world and she had a big hand in that success. Without question she has been by my side thru everything, two post delivery D&Cs, a frightening miscarriage, Loren's remarkably easy birth and then there was the arrival of Audie.

When I found out I was pregnant with Audie, Emily was three months pregnant, I remember having a conversation with her about as much as I wanted her to be there for my delivery I understood the complexities of that happening with her having a new baby.  But without giving a moment's pause she said of course she would be there..."we'll figure it out!" Fast forward to August 24th and there she was at 8am, coffee and breast pump in hand, ready to welcome my little baby into the world.  Emily knew I was uneasy about this birth, I didn't like that I was being forced into an induction.  She knew I felt that something was off, as if I knew this birth wasn't going to go as planned.  Instead of giving me false hope, she reassured me that I was a strong person and "we" would get thru it together.  And that we did...she never left my side. She cheered and cried with me as Audie entered the world and in those frightening minutes proceeding, as I laid there while my doctor and nurses tried desperately to stop me from bleeding out, she never left me.  I am tearing up just thinking of that moment.  Emily held my hand, locked eyes with me as if to say..."I've got you!" and did not let go until the double doors into the surgery room would not let her go any further.  The last thing I remember saying to her was "take care of my kids" and with tears in her eyes she said "I will!" I knew deep down I wasn't going to die, my mom wasn't going to let that happen but it was comforting to know that the most incredible woman I know would take care of my children. Emily is truly an amazing person, she pressed pause on her life for a week to take care of me. Making sure she was by my side when I woke up in the ICU to find that my husband and daughter were gone, driving me to Denver to see Audie and Justin and taking the time to walk me thru everything that had happen so I could try to understand.

To Emily:
Words can not express my eternal gratitude for who you are and what you have done for me.  Your ever constant love and support will never be lost on me.  All that I can offer you other than my heartfelt thank you is my pledge to you that you will always have my love and support and that Wren and future children will be forever loved, protected and cared for by me, Justin and the boys.

With Love,
Whitney

#momfail

Let me replay my morning...there I was pulling into the boys preschool a bit late to drop Costner off. Me in my "in between" clothes.  "In between" clothes are what I call not quite pajamas but not quite my outfit of the day...which mind you is usually work out clothes so the fact that I couldn't even get those on is a bit sad.  But hey...I did put a bra and some mascara on.  Costner was fully dressed, fed, hair combed, ready for the day and there was Loren still with his pjs on but he did have shoes on and was fed. Of course, my sweet Audie with a full diaper and 20 minutes out from needing a bottle.  But look I was just dropping Cost off quickly and then headed back home for coffee and the Today Show.  

As I pulled in I saw my friends and fellow preschool moms' cars sitting outside, I wondered "why are they so late?" I, at least had the whole 3 kid, husband out of town excuse.  I jumped out of the car and hustled Cost inside, his teacher greeted us and asked where Loren was. I sweetly reminded her that Loren doesn't go to school on Thursdays but kindly she replied "but I thought we were watching him while you attended the board meeting!"

CRAP!  I had completely forgot and was already 30 minutes late.  And let me add the boys go to a catholic preschool.  I had agreed to be on the board that meets twice a year and I couldn't even show up on time to one of the meetings.  I was given ample reminders, even as early as this past Tuesday but still I forgot. Which is completely unlike me, I always brag to my husband that "I have a mind like a steel trap." Well...apparently I do not.  icalendar Whitney....use icalendar for gosh sakes.

So...there I am rushing Loren inside...monster truck pjs, et al as Audie and I scurry downstairs to the meeting all the while I am telling myself to apologize profusely but for God sake Whitney do not say "God" when you do.  I walk thru the door and say "Oh my Gosh, I'm so sorry" and there in front of me sympathetic looks as Agnes, head of the preschool, explains I am a new mother of three kids. The looks wreak of "Oh...poor girl, she must be in over her head."  And maybe I am this stage in the game with Audie being 7 weeks old, feeding at 4am and then trying corral two rambunctious little boys throughout the following day. I am exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed so I will probably remain in my "in between" clothes for a bit longer just to make one part of my life a bit easier.

Bradshaw Party of Four? Bradshaw Party of Four?

Back in December Justin broached the subject of having baby #2, I looked at him like he was crazy.  Was he serious?  At the time we had a very active 10 month old who kept (still does) me oh-so busy, having another child wasn't even in my realm of thought.  I was thinking more of trying conceive a baby in the fall and therefor having a summer baby.  Costner would be two and half and in my mind a perfect age difference.  Justin had a different idea in mind, he would have preferred irish twins.  Me...not so much!  The thought of being pregnant again for nine months and subsequently pushing out a baby just didn't appeal to me.  I don't know if it was my desire to please my husband or my underlying desire to expand our family but the prospect of having another baby slowly crept into my mind over the next month.

In January I decided to go off birth control, give my body a month to back on track, start taking prenatal vitamins and come February try to get back on the baby train.  February flew by....with Justin and I both being out of town a good portion of the month concieving a baby was just not possible.  I looked to March for our month to really give baby making a try.  By the second week in March it donned on me that I had yet to get my "monthly bill"....I went to my bathroom a pulled out a pregnancy test thinking there is no way I could actually be pregnant.  As Costner took a bath I took the pregnancy test.  I looked at the test in shock....there was a solid cross.  This just can't be....there was a possible two days in the month of February that we could have conceived a baby.  Not believing in the result, I grabbed the second pregnancy test out of the medicine cabinet and took that one.   Same result!  Holy Cow!!  I called Justin and broke the news.  He was driving home from Denver with his brother so his response was muted so to not reveal what was going on but the subsequent text messages were full of bewilderment and excitement.  When he got home I ran out to the grocery store to get the more definitive pregnancy test that would say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" actually I bought two.  My definitive answer on both was "pregnant".  I looked at Justin with amazement in my eyes.  I guess we were heading for another adventure yet again.

The next day, I spoke to my sister-in-law, friend, confidant Emily who coincidently is my OBGYN's medical assistant, Emily asked me if I was excited, shocked, nervous, uneasy, etc? My answer was "shocked and uneasy".  Her response was one of understanding.  Understanding that my shock and uneasiness was not because I did not want another child but more so that Costner was no longer going to be the little person in my life...no longer my little baby.  That made me sad.  I love Costner so much and he is my amazing little man.  He may drive me nuts sometimes (especially when throws little fits) but as quickly as he makes me want to pull my hair out, he can make my heart melt.  Those fits secretly make me want to laugh but I would never let him see that.  And I'm not going to lie...I get overwhelmed with just one child at times I can't imagine what two children are going to do to me.  Can I really handle a baby and a toddler?  That frightens me.  There is going to be a new treasure trove of situations and challenges.  And what if the next baby is not as good as Costner was/is? But I think...was I really ready for what came with Costner?  Nope!  You learn as you go and that is how this next chapter in my life is going to go.  I am excited but nervous...of course.

I am 12 weeks and all seems to be going well.  Thank goodness there was no morning sickness but I have been very tired and hungry.  When I say hungry...I mean starving! And the line of thought that you show sooner with your second is completely true.  I look like I am 20 weeks pregnant.  Oh well...it is what it is.

Costner is doing great!  He got into a fight with the sidewalk the other day which left him pretty scratched up but mom's constant ointment applications helped a lot.  He's been having a tough with bedtime lately, the other night being the worst.  Monday morning he woke early, screaming, pulling on his ear and I worried he may have an ear infection.  Seeing that we were leaving on vacation this week I decided to take Costner in to get him checked out.  While there I asked our nurse if she would measure him curious to see how tall he was and much to my surprise Dr. Engle said he had grown three inches in the past two and half months.  I was shocked.  Then she took a look at his ears and throat and both look great, Dr. Engle said he was probably going thru a growth spurt.  Was she serious, a growth spurt?  How much taller could this kid get?

Hi, I'm Costner and I am a walking fool!

I'm a multitasker!

My new chair that I think is pretty cool!

12 weeks...I'd just ate lunch so the belly was extra big.